


i had so much to hide

by outlawslikeus



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (but not in a sexy way just a really sad way), Angst, Character Study, Gen, Masochism, Missing Scene, Not Beta Read, Oxygen Deprivation, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25011814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outlawslikeus/pseuds/outlawslikeus
Summary: He can feel the tie around his neck, and he’s choking from the guilt of it all.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	i had so much to hide

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Breathe](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSQFjtszBYg) from In The Heights. Not really related much to this fic, but still a good song.

He feels the weight of the tie in his hands. It’s not a heavy object, but the gravity of what he’s done and what he will have to do to see this lie through weighs it down. With unsteady hands and shaking fingers, he slowly wraps the tie around his neck. As he forms the knot of the tie, with several mistakes he has to go back and correct, he can feel it tightening around his neck. 

He wonders briefly if he had used a noose, if he would still be here. He wonders how Connor did it, if he had felt a tightening around his neck not from a tie in celebration but a rope in desperation.

The Murphys never told him. He doesn’t want to know.

He tries hard not to think about what he’s doing, often. After all, it’s for a good cause. A family will sleep easier knowing their son was a good friend, a good person. If that means that every once in a while, an all-encompassing, choking, guilt comes over him, he’s perfectly willing to pay that price.

And maybe the lie helps him, too. He thinks back to what Connor had said, before it had all gone wrong. “ _Now we can both pretend that we have friends._ ” He likes to think that if Connor hadn’t died, they could have been. But then again, how much of it is just residual false connection he feels whenever he makes another fake email? If Connor were alive, he’d hate him for all the lies he’s made.

The tie around his neck restricting his air flow does not help with the fact that now his breaths are coming faster. Still, he doesn’t loosen it. In fact, he pulls it tighter. Who is he to wear the tie that belonged to Connor Murphy? He has no right. 

Now, his chest is heaving. The ends of his limbs are cold and ache.

He falls to the floor and brings his hands closer to his chest. He doesn’t understand how he can be so cold and overheating at the same time. He’s sweating and he feels like he’ll never regain feeling in his fingers again.

A distant thought of the irony of pretending Connor liked trees, which provide the oxygen he’s so desperately lacking at the moment passes through his dazed mind.

Is he going to die like this? The smaller, oxygen starved part of his brain tells him no, but the larger, panicking, choking part tells him he will. It says that he’s a liar and if he chokes to death right here with Connor’s tie around his neck it’ll be exactly what he deserves.

Still, the instinctual part of his brain that panics and fights in the face of death finally tears the tie loose. Now, the option is there, for his lungs to take in air, if they can, but it feels as though every breath he takes only fills up his lings halfway, and that no matter how much he breathes, he’s still running out.

Slowly, and God does it take a long while, the panicked lungfuls he takes begin to calm. The hitches in his breath when he breathes too quickly go away. He starts to feel the cold tile of his bathroom against his bare feet, and he rubs his hands against his arms in an attempt to bring some feeling back into them. The pressure that had felt like a physical weight on his chest releases and he can just _breathe_ again.

He regards the wrinkled tie in his hands and still hanging loosely around his neck. He’s going to have to iron it before wearing it again.

**Author's Note:**

> Oof. Sorry. I also have a 5+1 Kleinsen thing in the works if that helps.
> 
> Unbetad, so let me know about any spelling/grammar mistakes. Kudos, comments, concrit, feedback, anything you dis/liked, etcetera are appreciated. Drop your favorite line or something in the comments.
> 
> Follow me at [outlawslikeus](https://outlawslikeus.tumblr.com) on tumblr.


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